My God, my Abba-Father,
I come before you in sorrow and repentance, and yet in the joy of the certainty of Your love and forgiveness.  You have blessed me so richly, given me so much, and most gracious of all, You have covered me with the righteousness of Your blameless Son, my Messiah, Jesus!  I should be eternally grateful just for that, for that is ALL.  And yet You have given me so much more, so far beyond anything I deserve.  How can I ever be bitter, or sad, or feel alone?  With You, I have ALL.  You are my ALL.  Thank You and praise You for Your never-ending mercy, and for the unfailing comfort of Your Holy Spirit.  Thank You for teaching me and training my heart and mind to depend solely on You for my physical, spiritual, and emotional well-being.  Thank You for Your mercies, which are truly new each morning.  Please, forgive my lack of faith.  I pray that You would fill my heart with Your Spirit and continue to mold me and shape me more and more into Your image.  You know how frail and feeble I am.  Please, keep working on me, keep bringing me back when I am so foolish as to turn away from You.  You have always provided for our needs; we have always had shelter, clothing, food, and water, and You have so graciously surrounded me with family!!  We have never lacked for anything, because of Your great mercy.  I thank You and I praise You, Lord God, for being our ALL.  May Your praises ring from one end of the earth to the other, may every nation know You and serve You, and may You forgive the sins of this great nation You have so richly blessed, and turn us back to You.  Thank You for Your Word, and the great promises it contains for us, Your people.  I praise You, my God, that I can come into Your Holy Presence through Jesus, Your Son, in Whose Name I pray, Amen.

Well, weekly posts, I suppose, are better than none at all.  I'm still just waiting.... sitting here, waiting for something miraculous to happen to me.  But I'm not doing anything to make it happen.  Just sitting here, waiting, wishing, wanting.....  Don't even know what I want, I just know that I don't have it.  I'm still just ticking off the days, waiting.....  for what?  Sunday after Sunday, I use the excuse that I don't have enough money to spend on gas driving so far to go to church.  And I haven't found a church anywhere close by to go to.  I know that getting out in the world makes me feel better, and I know that I need to congregate with other believers, but when I'm here at home, I don't feel like going out.  It doesn't seem worth the effort.  I have to wear decent clothes, put in my contacts, wash my hair, etc.  What a  stupid trap I have fallen into.  I hate work, but I hate staying at home all the time too.  I know I could do something better than working in a school cafeteria, but I'm not putting forth any effort to do anything else.  I know I could be having an easier time making ends meet financially if I finish the elaborate paperwork I need to do in order to get SSI for Jennifer, but I'm not doing it.  Wow, I think I will just go to bed.  Sleeping is my answer for most of life's difficulties.  Sleeping and eating.

Just picking apart my random thoughts....  I see a car drive by, and I think, "There go People with a Purpose, somewhere to go, somebody to see...".  I drive by a house, and look at it and think, "People with a Life live there."  I seem to be in a holding pattern - the same one I've been in for almost nine years.  My life is defined by "before" and "after" my divorce.  Of some pictures I'm viewing - "Oh, that was before."  Of an old home video - "Oh, that was after."
Twilight, for some reason, is the hardest time of day for me.  You'd think it would be at night, when I go to bed - well, not by myself, because Jenny sleeps with me, but without a husband.  But no;  as the day is dying, so am I, inside.  Is it because twilight is "coming home" time?  The time of day when all the family gathers together again after work/school/lessons?  And now, all the family that is left here  is me and Jenny.  I know, I know - that is not entirely true.  I have (and I am truly thankful for) all of my children still, either nearby or only a phone call away, and Jenny is a great comfort to me here at home.  It is just a stark contrast from the busy, crazy, bustling household I used to cook and clean and care for, with all seven kids still at home plus a husband.  And autumn is the hardest time of year for me.  Again, the time when the old year is dying.  I think it also has something to do with having gotten married in the fall - it was such a time to snuggle and be cozy with the one I loved, and the time when we often took anniversary trips up to the mountains to stay in a cozy, romantic cabin.  But those days are no more.  That was another lifetime ago.  So twilights during the fall I doubly hate.  A particularly beautiful, poignant, cool and crisp twilight in late October is so damn depressing.  It just makes me ache inside where I'm empty.  And there is a whole genre of music I used to love, that I cannot listen to anymore.  No more cool jazz, no more laid-back Norah Jones or Eric Clapton, Unplugged, and no more - ABSOLUTELY NO more Natalie Cole.  Two songs especially I can never hear again - "Too Young" by Natalie Cole, and "Come Away With Me" by Norah Jones.  The tears come as if they were right there waiting if I even think about either of those songs.  And another Natalie Cole song - "The falling leaves.... drift by my window..., the autumn leaves.... of red and gold..."  That song made me sad even "before", as if I had some presentiment that someday I would be bereaved of my love.  I never imagined that it would be like this, though.  That I would be bereaved through divorce, rather than death, the natural bereaver.  It was not that my husband died;  it was my marriage that died.  If it had been my husband, I could at least enjoy my memories.  I could look back fondly.  Now I am bereft of even that.