Today

Today.  Many things are happening today.  In my life, which is relatively quiet, I went to work.  Today was the last day for a sweet and helpful co-worker, so we had cake and said a very reluctant good-bye to her.  Hopefully she will drop in and visit occasionally.
Today in the wide world, there are two candidates for President of the United States, neither of whom I can imagine filling the office adequately.  People are being killed for being Christian, or for being a cop, or for being black, or white, or for just being in the wrong place at the wrong time.  It is a world increasingly filled with violence, which corresponds, surprisingly enough, to said world denouncing its need for the God Who created it. 
Today, I began the day with reading my three daily devotionals, and just one chapter in my (attempted) daily Bible reading - today it was Genesis 25.  I find that my day is usually better when I start out like this.
Today, I decided to put into action something I've been thinking about for some time - beginning (again) to journal my thoughts, hopes, disappointments, dreams, prayers, victories and defeats.  Not sure exactly what I hope to accomplish;  my hopes (and usually my thoughts, in general) are as scattered as wildflowers by the roadside - just not as pretty.  Some of them are certainly pretty;  they usually involve fantasies of a pleasant retirement somewhere by the sea.  But most of them are more like weeds.  Weeds with bugs on them.  If journaling helps me to marshal my thoughts or hopes into something useful, well, then I will have been successful at something.
Today, I acknowledge my absurd habit of depression.  I acknowledge that yes, I am depressed, and yes, it is absurd for me to be so.  I say habit of depression, because after so many years of allowing depression to hold me, it is now a habit.  Occasionally I will have a day, or at least a few hours, in which I feel an unbidden optimism;  the sky seems blue and bright, and my future doesn't scare the living daylights out of me.  It has begun to take me by surprise when this happens, because the times are so few and far between.  Depression is such a habit, that hope seems a stranger to me, and I don't know what to do with it on the rare occasion that it visits me.
Okay!  I've just had a (relatively) brilliant idea, so perhaps the possibility of organizing my hopes and thoughts is actually working.  I just realized that one thing I do hope to accomplish by this journaling is to remember how to WRITE.  Writing is something I used to love, and something for which I used to think I had a gift.  But when I tried to use writing as a means to support myself and my dependent children after an unpleasant and unwanted divorce, any creativity I once had just dried up.  Perhaps it was the pressure of NEEDING to write that did it;  I don't know.  I just know that I had nothing.  Stephanie Meyer and J. K. Rowling can do it - why not me?  I even had some fairly creative ideas.  But there was nothing there.  One thing I do lack, besides fuel for creativity, is motivation.  Okay, two things.  Two things I lack are motivation and perseverance.  It would seem that my need would be motivation enough, but it didn't work that way.  Maybe it will never work, I don't know.  But I do know that I have skills and talents that are drying up because they are unused.  I have the potential to do something more than the nothing that I am currently doing.
So, today, I am going to consciously be thankful for something.  In fact, I have much to be thankful for, and I do remind myself of this often.  I even feel thankful most of the time.  But it doesn't overcome the depression.  It is hard, after so much time, to break that habit.  But here is another hope that I acknowledge - if I continue to count my many blessings, name them one by one....  ♪ ♫  Seriously, if I name things that I am thankful for, specifically, I sincerely hope that will become habit and maybe someday, overcome my habit of depression.  So today, I am thankful for my Savior.  He knows me inside and out, and still loves me.  He doesn't leave me or forsake me.  He is always there when I need Him (which is ALWAYS).  And He paid the penalty for all my failures with His life.  Not only that, but He has given me HIS righteousness to offer to a just God, since I have none of my own to offer.  That should be quite enough, even if I had nothing else.  THAT is the spirit I hope to cultivate to drive out the SIN of depression.
So today, to borrow a worn-out phrase, is the first day of the rest of my life.  Thank God for that!!  My plan is to just jot down events, thoughts, hopes - whatever the day brings - and to list one thing to be thankful for.  And maybe someday,  tomorrow will be something to look forward to rather than something to fear.